There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize