make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
