shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
This baby is an asshole
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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