he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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