Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
