i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Randomize
