at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
