i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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