who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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