just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
you inspire me to be a worse person
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
