i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
