I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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