Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
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