i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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