i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
