I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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