Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
