i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
