this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize