Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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