i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
