On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
