I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
