Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
If that was your dad, he is hot
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
