Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
