I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
