Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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