Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
