She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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