Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize