There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
