My hand turned me down
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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