I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
i think my cat just said my name.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
