i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Just pee around me
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
