Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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