You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize