I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize