guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
please don't ironically join a cult
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