I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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