Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
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