walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
