I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
