The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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