god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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