she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
