im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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