dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
