He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
