Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
