Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize