Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
