I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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