enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
