shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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