Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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