he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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