Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
You took a bar mat shot.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
