So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Randomize
