Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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