I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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