What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
