Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize