Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
