Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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