The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
We have started to decorate penises.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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