i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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