You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
