mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
