Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
